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February 08, 2007



I am almost 49 years old. I had no children of my own....until now.
I feel I have now taken on the roll as "parent" or "Mom", to my Mom who is almost 78 years old.
I lost my Dad in April 2005. We were very close. Probably more so with my Dad then with my Mom.
Of course they were from the old school where the husband took care of his family, was the sole bread winner and my Mother relied on him for almost everything.
In the couple of years before he died, he was suffering from congestive heart disease and he became weaker and weaker every month.
My mom rarely left the home afraid something would happen to my Dad and she would not be there.
They were married 56 years.
Now that he is gone, my Mom has lost 1/2 of her her heart and soul and being.
I know how she feels. At least I think I do.
I have been with my husband for 19 years. I cannot imagine my life without him.
So, as Mom struggles with the loss of her soulmate, she also now struggles with Alzheimers and Diabetes.
She had lived in the same house for 52 years. She could not take care of herself anymore last year, so we put her in an Assisted Living facility in Nov 2006.
My sisters and I fixed up her apartment really nice with all the things we could get to fit in there from her home. Going from 1800 sq. ft. to 600 sq. ft, was quite the challenge.
Her first two months there were fantastic. She was involving herself in activities everyday, going on outings, making new friends and loving her new place.
She had her smile back, which was all that mattered to me.
Here we are now almost 4 months there, and things are back to the old ways. She is bored, she is lonely, she is always sad. She shuffles her feet when she walks, she now walks with a cane or a walker and she told me that I made a mistake in bringing her there.
My therapist told me that our roles have reversed. She is the child and I am now the parent.
I am sure I don't like this roll at all.

I don't want to be the parent. I just want to be my mother's daughter. I don't want to see her grow old because she wants to just be with Dad and has given up on life. I did not ever imagine it would be this way.

I hate to admit it but I had always hoped my Mom would go first because I knew my Dad would handle the separation better than Mom has. But we all know God has a plan for each of us and there is nothing I can do to change that.

I want my Mom back. I want to be able to have a conversation with her and she be able to comprehend what I am saying.
I want to be able to go shopping with her.
I want to see her smile again.
I want her last years on earth to be happy and filled with joy.
I don't want to worry about her every waking minute.

I have always been a bit of a control freak. I have always been the caretaker in my family.
I have always thought if I worked hard enough on something, I could change it for the better.
Not with my Mom. Unfortunately.

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