Am I not worthy of being loved? I’ve been divorced, single; whatever you call it, for a very long time now. Many of my friends and family have been divorced, remarried, started new families all during this time, my time of being lonely. Oh sure, I’ve had relationships. Some of them extended, others often lasting a few weeks or less. But there’s never been that one, the one that makes me feel like my soul is on fire. What the hell is the matter with me? Or, is it not me? I can’t even make up my mind about that one, flip-flopping back and forth that I shoulda, woulda, coulda done something different. Yeah, it’s me with the problems and only I can undo what’s led me down this path of longing for another.
Honestly, I’m never really alone. There is always someone around to fill the gap. I’m not talking about lonely in the sense of friends and family though. I’m talking about being lonely for the touch of someone else’s hand on my face, a hug after a particularly rough day, at night in bed curled up together and listening to their breathing until I fall asleep. I miss the skin-to-skin touch that comes from knowing someone intimately, knowing their body as well as I know my own. I’m lonely for that feeling that comes when you know you will see that special someone at the end of the day. I miss terribly the feelings of excitement as I count the moments until our time, just our time, together.
So, what’s my problem? To answer my first question, yes I’m worthy of being loved. Deep down I know that to be true. I think my problem is I can’t return the love that comes with, or should come with, a real relationship. You see, I don’t think I’ve really been in love in my post-marriage life. I thought I was once or twice but really it was just that I loved the concept of what I thought being in love was all about, namely the things mentioned earlier. I’ve mistaken many of the relationships I’ve had, both short and long-term, on what I thought love was. When the passion and romance went away I walked out and never looked back.
With the exception of my marriage, I’ve always been the “dumper,” the one who walked out first. Maybe I’m frightened at the prospect of being “dumped on.” The “I’ll get rid of them before they do me” mentality rears its ugly little head. I am worthy of being loved. I just don’t think I have it in me any longer to love back the way someone deserves. So, I guess I’ll continue doing what I do. Meet someone, love the idea of being with them, enjoying the passion of new romance, and when it fizzles out say to them that it’s been fun and that I’ve had a great time but I don’t think it’ll work out. Doing just this very thing has worked this long. Maybe sometime down the road I’ll change and find that someone that lights my fire and keeps it burning. Maybe, just maybe; burn baby burn.
Jane
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